I am slowly beginning to believe that My Love will not go away.
it has nothing to do with her taking an active role in my life. I have been doing my best to move forward and, simply, live my life. But I can’t seem to avoid the thoughts of her that creep into my subconscious. Sometimes they appear at VERY inopportune times – no elaboration, please.
I have gotten into the habit to leaving my Yahoo! account running on the desktop at work. I only do this when I’m working alone. My co-workers aren’t a nosy bunch, but I will take no chances. The time I spend at work is taken up with restock inventory, so chatting is not a good idea. I have made a discovery: lately, My Love has been online on Yahoo! with greater frequency.
If you’re curious about My Love, go into the archive and do the research.
I have chatted with her on occassion. Twice over the past weekend. I know she is the reason why I keep Yahoo! up and active. As much as I hate to admit it, I’ve been hoping that she would try to contact me. It truly is a pathetic notion; hoping that she’d reach out to me. That notion rears its ugly head whenever I start feeling lonely and isolated.
Whenever we chat, it’s like a conversation from our time together – anywhere and everywhere. But there is always an underlying uneasiness – something that both of us wants to say to the other but we remained restrained, careful to not cross the line that separates the intimate from the familiar. We were so comfortable talking with each other that topics flowed out like water from a tap. We still are. Now, with her life with Computer Guy, we have to be selective with what we share with each other – that is a difficult thing for us. Sentences or statements seem incomplete – we don’t say everything we want. That is a challenge.
This relationship continues to challenge us, constantly redefining the parameters and the re-establishment of boundaries. For me, the physical side of the relationship still lingers, or at least the memory of it. As long as I continue to journey through life without a partner, those thoughts will be there. I don’t plan to change this. My thoughts of her still drift in and out of my brain; they are just thoughts afterall. Whether I wish to linger on those thoughts, or allow them to keep me from moving forward, is up to me. That is the greater challenge.