There are some who would think my actions this afternoon were insane. Others might see them as desperate. I prefer to look at it as moving on.
I spent part of the afternoon with My Love.
A few weeks ago she told me that she had taken a position in Massachusetts and would be moving in the middle of June. She will be living with the man she’s been dating, the man she was seeing before she met me. They have made a commitment to each other to start a life together. She couldn’t be happier.
If you’ve been keeping score at home, you know that my love life has been nil since she broke off our relationship. Aside from the pickup from the sports bar, there has been no one. I’ve driven myself crazy speculating if there was a possibility of reconciliation, but eventually resigning to the notion she wasn’t coming back. Well, she came back and wanted to get together. She’s attempted to meet several times, but I’ve always bailed because I didn’t have the brass monkeys do face her.
All that changed today. I had decided that I need to man up and grow a pair. She wanted to remain friends, to stay in touch and be a part of each other’s lives. Based on past experiences, I didn’t think it was possible. I’ve always thought that once the romance was over, then chuck everything else. We had always maintained that our relationship wasn’t about sex despite the passion we shared. What has been an obstacle for me is getting past the physical and see the friendship for what it is. That’s what’s been hanging me up. Missing the intimacy and tenderness has clouded my judgement.
I wasn’t sure how I’d handle meeting with her. In the spirit of personal growth and fairness to her, I said yes. I needed to do this and to get over myself. The only obstacle remaining was my feelings about this guy. Yeah, he was a successful businessman and had no cash flow problems. But I was viewing this as competition. I was competing against this guy when, in reality, there wasn’t a competition. He had the woman I was once madly in love with, but I never lost her as a friend.
We met at a local park near the ocean. I was nervously walking around just to burn off energy, trying to make the anxious feeling in my belly disappear. I remembered something I had read in the Daily Om, a web site that offered daily affirmations of an alternative perspective. Some people might call it New Age. I find it comforting. Anyhow, the premise of the piece was that the nervous feeling you get from uncertain situations may actually be feelings of excitement.
What I’m reading is that these feelings I’ve experienced with My Love have been mistaken for anxiety. What will they think of next? They were right. In a nutshell, we spent almost two hours together talking. We talked about us as individuals and our relationship, and we talked about her life with her new man. I have to admit that whenever that subject came up, the level of anxiety rose as well. But, as the conversation went forward, the anxiety would diminsh but never go completely away. We talked about that, too.
When we walked back to our vehicles, I took a bold step and asked to see his picture. Yeah, it was a potential can of worms. What would I think if he were better looking or in better shape than I? We had made progress in our friendship; would seeing this man be a set back? She couldn’t find a photo, so she opened up her laptop. She had a photo of them on her homepage, one taken on a trip to Grand Cayman in January. Nice guy. In my opinion, I am much better looking. But he makes her happy. A long hug ended our afternoon and we parted. We agreed to stay in touch with email. She will return to Maine on and off; the company she now works for has a facility here. We hope to have coffee, maybe lunch.
I learned so much about myself and I learned alot about her. Yes, it was uncomfortable to hear her taking phone calls from her new man, but she stepped away to get privacy. Yes, it was strange being on the outside looking in. Should this be me she’s talking with, making plans for the future? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be me. Maybe I was meant to be her friend.
And that makes me happy.