At the moment, life sucks. I am SO stuck in a rut it’s not funny.
I think I’m wiggin’ out here – ( I know I’m not crazy) because, no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, I cannot get My Love and her man outta my brain. I don’t want them there. I don’t want to know what they’re going together. I don’t know why I keep thinking about it. Is it because he is able to give her all the things I couldn’t, and it’s driving me nuts? Is it because I never cut the ties, wanting to remain friends. She told me that I should’ve told her to “f*#k off” and walked away.
The Shrink gave me a couple weeks off and it’s taking it’s toll. That’s why I’m venting here. I am trying to follow the program The SHrink set up for me, but this crud is getting in the way.
I don’t like how I’m feeling. I’m frustrated. Why is all this so challenging for me? Why should she be the one who gets to move on, and I’m stuck here? I don’t want to be here. I just want to get outside myself and run. It’s a part of me that doesn’t want to deal with the pain and is tired of dealing with the pain. I want to just make it go away. I want to put it all behind me. I wish I could.
It just isn’t fair that My Love can just put me out of her head without any regard for what’s she’s done to me. She says she’s sorry, but do thoughts of me continue to pop into her head? Does she see my face when she’s kissing or making love to him?
And that’s another thing. It’s been seven, almost eight, months without sex. That has made me tense at times.