When we last left our hero, he’d been bound and left to die on the railroad tracks…
Wait, this isn’t that silent film project I started in college. Start again.
Let’s update the personal life, shall we? I believe we left off with the written response to the Dear John letter I was left by The Woman Who Broke My Heart, at the beginning of June. Fast forward six weeks, through pain and uncertainty, and now things are looking pretty good. Time has done a good job healing these wounds. I have been able to contemplate what has happened and have found consolation in knowing that I can return to things I gave up in that relationship. It’s amazing what compromises you make when your heads in the clouds. I gave up so much just because “she didn’t like it”. I almost gave up watching sports because “She didn’t like to”. I will give her this: she would cuddle up to me when I did watch ESPN. I also gave up the pleasure of enjoying a few draws of 420.
I am paying attention to sports again. I have so much to catch up on. All I know is that the Red Sox aren’t in first place. Anything after that is hazy
I have rediscovered my intrest in classic films. This weeks offerings are “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, “Treasure of Sierra Madre” and “How Green Was My Valley”. Both my ex-wife and The Woman Who Broke My Heart enjoyed movies of a lighter nature. I like something with a plot that confounds you, makes you ponder, maybe causes you to talk to the screen. I like character development. I want good acting. If the leading lady is hot (see Elizabeth Taylor in “Cat….”), that’s a bonus.
Another reason to return to the classics is the stuff that Hollywood turns out these days is pathetic. I want an original idea, something that hasn’t been considered. But Hollywood is looking at the profits; will it make money at the boxoffice, ande can we cross promote it with (fill in the blank with soft drink/fast food/website). What we’re getting is either a rehashed plot from an older film, an adaptation of a piece of fiction, or something thrown together to force-feed for popular consumption.
Transformers? No, thank you.
Do I sound bitter? I’m just disappointed.
Where was I? Oh, yeah…my return to the real world.
For the first time in a long while I feel comfortable in my own skin. I have decided that romance can take a place on the back burner. I don’t need to rely on a girlfriend to define my life. I keep thinking back to my post -college days, before I began dating my ex-wife. I moved to Portland in 1985. My first apartment was a railroad effeciency. It was a straight line from the front door, through the kitchen and into the living/bedroom, with a sharp lefthand turn into the bathroom with the clawfoot tub. There was no room for a table in the kitchen and barely enough room for furniture in the bedroom. But it was mine.It was heated, had a sliver of a harbor view, great breezes in summer
and only $235 a month. Remember, this was 1985.
I worked overnights on the radio, slept during the day. I would run my errands in the afternoon and go to bed at 6pm. On the weekend, I hung out with my friends. It was so easy tyo connect with them; they lived at the opposite end of my street. We could walk to all the good restaurants and bars. I could walk to work. But the world was at our fingertips and we wanted it all.
Sometimes we would drive up to Brunswick. Destination: the Miss Brunswick diner for greasy hamburgers and fries. There was a feeling of freedom then, that despite having to scrape by, we still had dreams and ideas. There was so much we wanted to do and see. There was so much to discover and realize, that we didn’t dwell on missing the electric payment, now two months past due. We didn’t think about another dinner of pasta. Life was out there to grab and wrestle into submission. We wanted it and we figured a way to find it. Maybe not then and now, but when we were supposed to find it. But the one thing that was missing was a sense of self. Who was I? What did I want from Life? What did I want to be, as a person? Maybe I was too young to know or didn’t have the tools to serch for the answers. When I told my friend Darren I was single again, he suggested that I make this search a priority. Find out who I am, what makes me tick, to see myself away from the context of a romantic relationship.
So, here we go.
Now, as I find myself living close to my first apartment, remember those halcyon days and preparing for the future by re-establishing myself and slowly putting missing pieces back into place, I find the present is running parallel with the past. This time, it’s the phone bill that’s past due. Did I make sure the child support was transfered into the ex-‘s account? Will I be able to endulge in the 5-dollar matinee at the Nickelodeon? In this time and space, I now have the opportunity to investigate new possibilites, try things I never knew were available. I have been blessed with two great kids, concerned friends and church community, pleasures that enhance my life and give me satisfaction. I can have the life I want. I can make the choices. I am the only one who can control my life.
My good friend, Kathy, recently came back into my life. She is married, has a great career, proud of her daughters…and an outspoken fan of this blogger. She was so happy to read these posts. As concerned as she was for my well-being, she was also quick to remind me of how fortunate I am to be blessed with so much. And I am blessed. To you, my friend, thank you for your insight. Keep rattling my cage.