Up Where The Air Is Clear

Look up.

I constantly remind myself to stop and look up.  We all miss a lot of good stuff by staying at ground level.  All the interesting stuff is up there above the ground.  We can see things that are long missing from modern buildings.

Yesterday was a gorgeous day for a walk.  It was cool, but not cold, and the sun was out a good portion of the day.  It was a perfect day to leave the house and explore, a perfect day to breathe deeply and look around.

 My town is a great town to walk.  It’s an old seaport that still functions (barely) as a working waterfront, but has become more trendy. Like most seaports, there are a lot of interesting buildings.  Lots of brick, but some with  stone facades.  There are modern skyscrapers built within the last twenty years.  Can refer to a building as a skyscraper if it’s twenty floors orless?  The best walking is in a section of town called the Old Port.  There are cobblestone streets and brick sidewalks.  The buildings in the Old Port once housed merchants’ shops and warehouses.  Now,  it is the biggest tourist attraction in town.  There are plenty of places to shop or get a coffee.  There are harbor tours and ferries to the outer islands in the bay.  If you’re hungry, there are restaurants serving everything from pizza to seafood.  Our cruise boat season came to a close yesterday, and it was estimated that each passenger contributed between $50 – $100 to our economy.  Lots of people like to spend time in the Old Port.

I was walking downtown about 4-5 months ago and I happened to look up to study a building on Congress St.  There are some interesting buildings there, but I know nothing about architecture.  I only know what is pleasing to my eye.  My friend The Squire is a huge fan of Portland architecture.  He would make a great tourguide. 

I’m standing across the street from this particular buiding, and I notice that it  has an art deco facade.  I didn’t think there were any examples of art deco in my town, which is why I had never noticed this building before.  I remember The Squire mentioning it at some point during a visit.  

I stood there, contemplating this building, and noticed that the facade had wonderful, organic lines just below the peak of the roof.  These lines resembled a vine wandering aimlessly across the building. My curiosity peaked, I looked on either side to find more fascinating architectural characteristics on neighboring buildings.  I wondered  why I had never noticed these building before.  What was preventing me from noticing these very cool things?

I never took the time to look up.  My gaze was never lifted above the second floor.  But how tragic would it have been if, after living here for over twenty years, I had never stopped to take the time and study these buildings.  Ever since that day, if I happen to be walking downtown, I will take time to stop and look up.  It makes me smile when I notice something new and unique that makes that structure worth studying.

We should all be looking skyward.  We should all be looking for inspiration above the second floor.  Our sights need to be raised above what we know, to give us a different perspective.

Look up.  The stuff on the ground – we’ve all seen it before.  The stuff up high – it’s all new.

I Love/Hate My Car

I have made it a point not to rant here.  I know I have stated some opinions from time to time, but haven’t gone off full blown.  Today, however, may be the first time I do.

I hate my car.  I hate the fact it costs too damn much to fix.  I hate the fact that I have nowhere I can go, other than The Squire’s estate, where I can work on my car.  I hate that I am now dependant on my car to get to work, rather than walking.  And I especially hate the fact I have to borrow money to get my car fixed.

Yesterday, I called out so that I could repair the bearing on the left rear wheel.  I borrowed a Dremel from The Squire so I could make the cuts.  But after wrestling with the wheel, starting and stopping due to the rain (remember: I am working on my car in the parking lot of my building), and having to bike back and forth to NAPA, I came to the conclusion that I am not the right man for the job.

I have put too much time and energy into this vehicle over the past few months, and all it does is frustrate me.  But here is the question:  is it the car that frustrates me or that my paycheck doesn’t give me the financial freedom so that I don’t worry about things like that?  I think maybe a vocational change may be in order.  I don’t know what, but I need to think long and hard about it.

Anyway, the Jetta goes in the shop Saturday morning.  I’ll have AAA tow it down there Friday night.  Maybe after this my luck will change.

Don’t hold your breath.

Impossible Things Are Happening Every Day

Possibilities

Yesterday, I attended a 4-hour workshop on “Bringing The Best Out of People”.  I was one of two employees that didn’t have managerial experience.  But what I came away with was some extraordinary insight.  The highlight of the workshop was a short video featuring Ben Zander,  a conductor, educator and composer.  He also is the co-author of “The Art of Possibility”, which I am eager to find a copy.

What I took from that video was the most amazing sense of possibility, that life is about experiencing everything with passion.  We should all be curious about what is out there, to grab onto it and look at the world with a child’s eye, full of wonder.  When I was with My Love, she introduced me to similar ideas.  But what go in the way, at the time, was a lack of money to do things.  I now realize that it isn’t about money, it’s about taking what you have and savour it.

I did two things yesterday that proved to be worthwhile experiences.

The first happened at McDonald’s.  A young woman entered the restaurant at the same time as I did.  Approaching the counter, I gestured that she should go first.  After she ordered, she moved to the side and waited for her order to come up, while I placed my order.  As we both waited, I was struck by the stockings she was wearing.  They were wonderfully colorful, an abstract pattern with pale blues and lime green.  They definitely were eye-catching.

I am always aware of my surroundings.   Too much interesting stuff is going on all at once.  This time, I noticed the stockings, but I took it one step further.  I struck up a conversation with this woman.  Nothing deep, just a comment on her stockings.  She smiled and we talked briefly.

So what does a pair of unusual stockings have to do with possibilities?

I wanted to go outside my box.  Normally I wouldn’t say anything.  Maybe a glance and nothing said.  But this time, I wanted something different.  No, I didn’t want to pick her up.  I just wanted to flirt.  Part of me wanted to see if I could do it. 

I was a self-conscious 19-year old- didn’t have the tools or the experience.

I was an uncertain 22 year old – afraid of rejection or saying something stupid.

But, at 48, still redefining my life, yes I want to flirt.  I want to feel vital.  I knew nothing was going to come from this encounter, but I was willing to take a chance.  Take a risk, knowing there was nothing to lose.

The second event was I shut off my computer.  I have developed a habit of coming home, retreating into the Man Cave, and playing mindless card games, just staring at the screen.  It made my eyes hurt after awhile.

But yesterday, I shut it down.  I put on some music in the living room – Jennifer Warnes’ “Famous Blue Raincoat- The Songs of Leonard Cohen”, and I sat down and began to write on a legal pad.  Just notes, off-the-cuff, in a wonderful stream of consciousness.  Every so often, I’d close my eyes and breathe deeply, enjoying the moment.

It was a small moment that felt big.

Here I was, at home, in sweats, no particular place to go, and loving every minute.

This post is a direct result of my experiences last night.  I want to write.  I want to tell my story, but I don’t want to be restricted by this blog.  Why should I wait for time at the library to write?  Who says I should type in my thoughts?  Put them down on paper.  Broaden the horizon a bit.  Get outside the box.

Discover the possibilities.

And the Hits Just Keep on Comin’

Just when I thought it wouldn’t get any worse, it has.

I was informed of my new schedule when I start at the warehouse.  I start this Sunday.  I will work wednesday – Sunday 5:30 AM – 2 PM.  That means I have to give up singing in my church choir. 

It gets better.

I  also have to give up Sunday services as well.  I need that time.  Not because I’m devout, but because I like being a part of a faith community.  I like seeing the people.  For me, that will be devistating because I have so little contact now.

Okay, I can hear some of you saying, “it’s an opportunity” or “you’ll have your evenings free”, “you’re the only one who can effect change in your life” or  “you we meant to do this”. Just save it.  I’m angry, let me be angry.

Go back into the archive and read some posts.  I hate my life.  I didn’t ask for it to be turned upside down.  I didn’t expect that it would be this challenging.  I’m am hanging on by a thread now.  Yes, I still have a job.  But, because of that change in position (and the corresponding loss of income), I will have to get a second job, which means I will have even less of a life than I have now.

I made a conscious choice to either have a life, where I can do things, not feel like I am tired all the time and just scrape by, or not to have a life, meaning I am able to pay my bills but have no energy to do anything aside from work.

I just want my life back.  I’m tired of obstacles.  I’m tired of pain, hurt and rejection.  I’m tired of isolation.  I’m tired of being alone.

I don’t want anyone’s pity or simpathy.  I’m frustrated and want all this crap to end.

Not a good day

I found out today that I’m being transfered, away from The Big City Hospital, to work at the offsite warehouse (a.k.a. Hell).  My direct supervisor told me that my skills would be better utilized there.  Read into it what you want, but this REALLY SUCKS!!!  If I work at the warehouse, I’ll lose about $150 in beeper pay each paycheck and I’ll have to pay more for gas because I can’t walk to work.

I am SO MAD!!!!!

The worst part of all is that my returning back to The Big City Hospital can’t be guaranteed.  The only motivation I have is being able to keep my benefits so that the kids have medical insurance.

This would be a good time to win the lottery.   HA!!!

Lights, camera, action

I intend to write another post later on, but I wanted to update on this week’s movies.

It’s a mixed bag;   “High Fidelity” with John Cusack and Jack Black.  I loved this as much as the book, but they changed the ending (thanks alot, Hollywood!).  I wasn’t expecting the plot to parallel some of the relationship stuff I’ve been sorting out, but it was what it was.

I also grabbed “The Hustler” with Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason.  I’ve always liked this movie, but don’t own it.  Finally, “The Commitments”.  The Ex- got dibs on this DVD, so I haven’t seen it in over two years.  I’m looking forward to the extras.

Good news from the librarian.  As I was checking out last night, I asked what the limit was on checking out DVD’s.  She said I could take out as many as I wanted.

Very cool!

Enter and sign in , please

I check the blog stats every so often.  I like to know who’s been reading my blog.  It is my hope that folks enjoy what they read and make a comment.  If they don’t like it, I’d like to know that, too. 

I would ask that if you do read, leave a comment,  A paragraph, a sentance, a grunt of acknowlegment…anything.  I want to know if you are going through the same crap as I am.  Misery loves company, ya know.  I am also open to advice, suggestion, grammatical revision, etc.  I’m not too proud.

Y’all come back now, y’hear.

Forward into the past

I had this feeling of liberation come over me yesterday.

In my work, I have a lot of time to be alone, which means my mind wanders.  It used to be I would dwell on the little stuff,  stuff that was out of my control.  That would drive me crazy.  But I knew that, eventually, I would reach a point where it would all came together.  The cosmic tumblers would all fall into place and everything would “click”.   Yesterday, it happened

While hiding (errrrrr…working) in an air-conditoned supply room, I had a “a-ha” moment.

I love these moments.  It’s like a cosmic dope slap, jarring your brain and revealing some bit of knowledge that helps you put all the pieces together.

Without the whiplash.

For the last couple of months, I have been “grieving” the end of my last relationship.  I’ve reflected on the woman, and pieces of the relationship that were good and not-so-good.  What I discovered was that, despite being a “rebound”, she was also the bearer of knowledge, the stuff that would help me get over the divorce and move forward in my life.  What she also provided were the tools to guide me if our relationship ended.

I knew she couldn’t see me in her future, that she ended the relationship so that I could find someone who could love me the way I deserved to be loved.  But I heard the words, but didn’t fully understand the meaning.

I finally got it while holding onto a handful of catheters.

Light on…Oh, yeah…now I get it!!

She has moved into the realm of pleasant memory.  Don’t worry about the past, it’s already happened.  Just think about today and live in the present.

Everything else takes care of itself.

Are car repairs covered under Murphy’s Law?

To answer my own question, hell yeah.  Whatever could go wrong with my car, has gone wrong.

 I own a 1997 VW Jetta.  I love VW’s. My granfather owned a ‘64 with a sunroof that was hand-cranked.  My siblings and I used to ride with our heads sticking out the sunroof, well before seatbelt laws were enacted. My first car was a  ‘67 Beetle that had Massachusetts highway signs for the floor, no FM radio and the heat was brought to front by two lengths of dryer hose.   Anyone who knows VW’s know that the heat duct that runs along the rocker panals also are the first to rust, corrode  and rendered useless.  Then, the heater box never pumps out enough to both heat the feet AND defrost the windshield, thus the dyer hose.  But I loved that car.  Roadtrips, first dates and one incident involving a driveway, a sharp drop, a picket fence and a wooden playscape, are all good memories.

Unfortunately, this Jetta has not held up so well.  Since my divorce, the car has turned into a money pit.  And it usually happens in the late spring/early summer.  I knew something was up when the hum emminating from the trunk was unusual.  Then, the check engine light came on.  Usually not a good sign. 

Alright, never a good sign.

My worst fears were proven correct when I took the car to be inspected at the local AAA Car Care Center.  I knew there was something up when the guy behind the counter smiles when he informed me that the car didn’t pass inspection.  You know that it means they’re gonna make money off me.  The hum was identified as loose wheel bearings.  It would be a matter of re-packing the bearing and resealing.  The check engine light meant my spark plugs weren’t firing in the correct order.  But it could mean I needed new plugs, wires, distributor and corrective measure for other unseen problems.

 

Needless to say, I have a challenge on my hands.

Noah had nothing on us

Again with the rain.  This time, it’s not a sprinkle or passing shower.  We’re talking rain, straight down and in biblical proportions.  If we get 2 inches, I won’t be surprised.  The Coast Guard has set up an inland station…just in case.  What’s it gonna take to get three consecutive days of sunshine?  Money, burnt sacrifice, first born child?  For all of you in a dry place, enjoy it while you can.