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“If something is leaving your life, no matter how valuable or important it seem, it is because in some way it held you back. If something leaves, know that something better is coming. (See) what things are real and important, and what things are unnecessary and unneeded.” ~ Sanaya Roman
In as much as I like this quotation, I am not ready to understand it. There needs to be a level of trust in oneself and the Cosmos, in order for the true meaning to be understood. It also means that one has to take a hard look at their life, and determine what is needed and unnecessary.
This quote is very timely. The Shrink and I got together yesterday. I took advantage of an AH-HA moment at a traffic light and pulled sharply in front of a small Thai restaurant. A one-star pad thai later and I was off to see the wizard. The Shrink is abig supporter of ah-ha moments, so he complimented me on my choice. We’ve been looking at what is important in my life. Things, such as family relationships, romantic/inimate relationships, and community relationships, were examined to see their order of importance in my life. I determined that romantic/intimate relationships are at the bottom of the list. The last thing I need is that type of commitment. Besides, according to what I’ve been told, I do not have the finances to sustain a romantic relationship. I don’t need that kind of rejection again. I don’t need the headache and frustrations. Being told you’re not good enough really sucks.
Anyway, that’s why I’m in therapy: to deal with these issues and create some positve change.
I am discovering some interesting things about myself. Nothing to divulge at this time, but I will let you know when the next ah-ha moment comes along.
COUNTDOWN: THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
I mentioned awhile back that I was compiling lists of favorite Christmas songs. Now that the rock n roll list is done, I want to give my favorite Christmas standards. You can’t really call them pop standards, even though they were performed by the “Pop” artists of the 40s and 50s. Your parents or grandparents heard these artists on the radio. These songs are timeless. Although secular in nature, they invoke a time when life was simpler, the gifts were less complicated and more likely had greater meaning, and when Christmas was the holiday celebrated. You wished all a “Merry Christmas”, not Happy Holidays. Your senses were tickled by the scent of balsam, fresh-baked cookies and pies, and by simple decorations.
1. White Christmas — Bing Crosby. This was originally a song from the movie “Holiday Inn”, about traveling stage performers stuck at a rural country inn. Did you know that Bing couldn’t read music? I guess Bing and I have something else in common, other than the love of golf. And we both sing Mah-vah-lous.
I saw a video on YouTube with Andrea Bocelli (voice, flute) and David Foster (piano) that was done in ONE TAKE. It’s beautiful in its simplicity. Bocelli’s voice, although not up to Pavoratti or Domingo standards, is gorgeous.
2. The Christmas Song — Nat “King” Cole. I’ve loved Cole’s voice for as long as I can remember. It’s understated, gentle and moving. Both the song and the voice. It was written by Mel Torme, a great singer in his own right, and it’s been recorded by everybody who’s anyone significant in music.
3. Santa Baby — Eartha Kitt. Madonna has nothing on this woman. Eartha makes this song sound absolutely naughty. Madonna made it sound cartoonish. I can see Eartha perched on Santa’s lap and cooing in his ear. Madonna sounds like Betty Boop from Brooklyn, snapping her chewing gum like a street-tough maul. Eartha wins hands down.
4. No Place Like Home For the Holidays — Perry Como. I’m not a big fan of Como, but I enjoy the down-to-earth song. My Ex’s mother loved Perry Como and never missed his Christmas specials on television. The song is a perfect reflection of a simpler time.
5. I’ll Be Home For Christmas — (tie) Johnny Mathis/Bing Crosby. I grew up on Johnny Mathis. My mother used to listen to his records when I was a baby. According to Mom, she would set up the crib near the phonograph. I love his first Christmas album. Percy Faith did the orchestration. I believe that there were alot of September babies, thanks to lovers listening to that album. I later heard the Bing Crosby version.
6. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer/Here Comes Santa Claus — Gene Autry. I have never seen a Gene Autry picture. I remember these songs from WAAAYYY back when. These are fun songs for me, but not for the reasons you’d think. I am a closet western swing fan. Bob Wills, Earnest Tubb, Floyd Tillman, Rose Maddox – I like that combination of swing and jazz and country music. If you listen carefully to these songs, they do swing. Listen even closer and you’d swear they were straight out of a Saturday western matinee. Think of the clip-clop of horses and you have the rhythm.
Again, I know I’ve missed one or two classics. It’s so easy to lose them in the shuffle of the Chinese water torture that is 24/7 Christmas music. I will admit that I look forward to hearing these favorites and others, and I’ve heard a couple newer songs that have caught my ear.
” ‘Cause what she’s doing now is tearing me apart
Filling up my mind and tearing up my heart”
– Garth Brooks “What She’s Doing Now”
Usually, with the schedule I’ve been keeping lately, I haven’t got time to let my mind wander. I didn’t have time to think about My Love. But not today. She has been on my mind all day. I’m not sure what was the trigger. Maybe it was the Josh Groban song, “Believe”. My Love loves Josh Groban. Maybe it was the Christmas love song where the singer falls in love on Christmas Day.
My Love and I fell in love on Christmas. She was house sitting out in the sticks and had invited me to keep her company. She had made me breakfast and after we finished, I noticed she seemed unusually nervous. After taking a deep breath, she said that she was taking a leap of faith. She told me that she had fallen in love with me. I understand why it made her so nervous. Her previous boyfriend, whom she also fell in love with, had dumped her. She was bruised and unsure, not certain if she would ever fall in love again.
And I came along. I gave her all the same things he did, but I was patient with her to allow her to try and figure things out within her head and heart. I was able to hold her when she needed. I also held her heart in my hands, gently and with care. It was what she needed.
I had known for at least a month before abut my feelings about her. I had fallen in love with her on the day we met. Drinks at Ruby Tuesdays, followed by a drive to the coast to side by the ocean. I kissed her on the same day. Wow!!! What lips! I fell in love with her mind, her independent spirit and her gorgeous eyes. And those curves. Many times I got lost in those curves.
So, what IS she doing now? I am not in a place where I would feel comfortable calling. I am still healing and adjusting to Life with Me.
But I do wonder how she is. Is her work still a huge challenge? Is she keeping busy? Is she dating?
That’s the one that’s the most difficult to come to terms with. Who is replacing me in her life? She is a beautiful woman and wouldn’t have difficulty finding dates. Has she found someone to fill the space where I used to be?
Someone told me recently that if she hasn’t contacted you recently, chances are she doesn’t intend to contact me. Thanks for the input. I’m just sad. I miss her.
The romantic inside me wants to think she sits at home and wonders the same about me, that she made a mistake but doesn’t want me to know.
Not likely.
The same romantic wants to think that a Christmas reunion would be wonderful.
What Hollywod script writers have invaded my brain? This isn’t a scene from “Sleepless in Seattle”. This isn’t “The Notebook”.
I only wish that she is taking care of herself, that she’s not staying up late and not getting enough sleep. And I wish that I could stop driving myself crazy with thoughts of her. I have the power to control that. However, I have never had a woman take hold of my being the way she did. I never had loved anyone the way I loved her.
There’s much to be said for working two jobs. A little extra cash in your pocket is always a good thing. I’m not spending mindless evenings at home watching CSI. But I have no time for myself. As I write this, I have 2 1/2 hours before my next shift. The pattern of my life lately seems to be: up at 4:30 at work for 5:30; out at 2pm, then rush home to change and maybe grab some nosh before heading to the call center. I’m usually home before 10 and asleep before 11. But there’s a twist to this week. I have 5 shifts with Midnight for an out time.
Are you kidding? That leaves me with less than 4 hours sleep. A PSP3 is not worth it.
I seem to be living on Hot Pockets and sandwiches. I’ll throw in a piece of fruit and some carrots to munch on, but there is a nutritional pattern going on here. I just don’t want to cook.
This is the sixth Christmas I’ve worked for LL Bean. I like working the phones. I get to use my radio voice that’s been long gathering cobwebs. It’s a deep baritone. I use that voice so that I don’t speak too loudly. That is not well received in a call center. I like interacting with the callers. I like to silently make fun of the uptight New Yorkers, who come off sounding rushed and frantic. They talk so fast. I had a caller from New Jersey yesterday, works for Citi Group. He wanted to return a snow tube he’d ordered two days prior, just so he could get the sale price, which was only good for the weekend. His savings totaled $15 bucks, but it wasn’t worth it. I checked his order history and he had spent beaucoup bucks over the past year. Why quibble over $15?
I love talking with the Southerners. They always sound so proper and dignified. Sometimes I’ll make reference to a college football or basketball team, and a reserved demeanor turns quite jovial. And I love listening to the accent. The folks from the west coast have a sterotypical laid-back tone. Every once and awhile I’ll get a call from someone who sounds as if they are calling from a cave. You can hear the TV on in the background, and ithe volume always seems louder because the room sounds empty, and the audio echoes in the room. I often wonder if these callers live alone with cats. I wonder if their living rooms are bare with minimal furniture. I wonder if they are happy to have someone to talk with, if they are alone all day.
There are some that talk my ear off. They get on the phone and shop while they talk with me. I’ve had calls like that that last 45 minutes or more. Those are the calls that have you drumming your fingers on the table, praying for the call to end. The one positive side to those calls is they eat up your day and help make it go by faster.
I have been unable to avoid the non-stop Christmas music that is being played all over the warehouse. There are three radio placed so that music can be heard no matter where you go. These radios are being tuned to one of the stations playing wall-to-wall Christmas music.
I am quickly getting sick of it. At the moment, I am streaming Yahoo! classical Christmas music. It’s a wonderful change from”Jingle Bell Rock”, “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree” and the other “favorites”. I love the carols and sacred music of Christmas. They’re peaceful and inspiring. I’ll take “Ave Maria” over “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” anytime.
In our last episode, I began to compile a list of my favorite rock n roll Christmas songs.
Let’s continue, shall we?
6. tie “(I Believe in) Father Christmas – Greg Lake; “Christmas Wrapping” – The Waitresses; “Christmas song” – Jethro Tull. For three years in a row, I was the fortunate one to shut down the student radio station for the Christmas break. Most of the staff had left campus after their last semester final, and no one wanted to hang around. I don’t blame them. But I was a board operator for Maine Public Radio and had to hang around. These songs were among those I played in the last hour before sign off. There is a redemptive quality about all three. Something lost, then miraculous found with a greater sense of appreciation. A boy loses faith in Father Christmas, thinking he doesn’t exist but is proven wrong. A man and woman, destined to hook up, but can’t due to extraordinary circustances. A cynical narrator, seeing the graft and greed that is part of a modern Christmas, finds new hope when the true meaning of the day is brought back into his life. Any one of these can be a lesson for us in these times.
7. Run Run Rudolph – Dave Edmunds. Yeah, I know it’s a Chuck Berry song, but this one really moves. It’s a not too fast with a driving rhythm that reminds you this IS a Chuck Berry song. It’s a fun, rock ‘n’ roll song.
8. tie “Happy Xmas (War Is Over) – John Lennon and Yoko Ono; “Someday At Christmas” – Stevie Wonder. It’s Christmas — with a conscience. Both songs remind us that we are all responsible for each other and our world. They remind us of what could be if we really wanted it. The songs are a reflection of what it means to be human and hope for something better. Christmas is a time to reflect and there’s no better time to make changes.
9. anything from The Motown Christmas Album” or “Merry Christmas From Phil Spector”. Every rock station should be playing every song from both albums. I love The Jackson Five version of “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” and Smokey Robinson & the Miracles singing “Jingle Bells”. Both songs have that classic Motown groove that help transform them from pop novelty to a righteous groove. I could listen to Darlene Love sing “It’s Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) over and over. Christmas tunes adapt well to The Wall of Sound, made famous by Specter. All the artists: The Ronettes, Darlene Love, Bobbi Soxx & the Blue Jeans give us memorable rock and roll.
10. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” – Barenaked Ladies with Sarah McLachlan. It’s not really a rock song, just an accoustic version of the old carol. I am not a huge BNL fan. The majority of their material is fun and I enjoy that. But I don’t believe these guys take ANYTHING seriously…except this song. As for the lovely Sarah, she could sing the phonebook and I would find it compelling. Beautiful woman, beautiful voice.
That’s enough for now. I need to go. My car died a quick death on the way to work at 5:20AM. Dash lights started dimming and began losing power going up small hills. Thank God for AAA. It’s at the garage for the moment, waiting for me to pick it up after work. Now I have to shell out $150 bucks for a new belt and tension arm. Let’s hope that’s it for repairs. I hate my Jetta today.
Weelllll…..you know you make me wanna ..SHOUT
That’s the song playing in the background. I like the original by the Isley Brothers, but the version from the “Animal House” soundtrack is very good. That song sounds so sanctified like a tent revival, but the subject matter is anything but holy. It’s not a song for the timid. It is straight-ahead rhythm and blues with driving groove.
I was intending to comment on the nature of rhythm and blues, but it was good to get it out. I told you that story to get to this one.
Yesterday, the temperature in southern Maine was in the 60’s. Today, it’s in the 50’s. The last time I checked a callendar, it’s DECEMBER. We are supposed to be in the low 40s, but I will enjoy this for as long as I can. At lunchtime, I read online that Texas is getting ready for snow.
SNOW in TEXAS?
It was warmer in Maine than in Texas yesterday. It’s all very screwy. Even my beloved Scotland is getting wierd weather. Their summers have been anything but cool. Over the last couple years, going back to 2003, the temperature routinely hits above 17-degrees C.
I’m sure it’s a sign of the end of the world. Until then, I’ll try to find a golf course that’s still open.
A good night is ahead. After four hours of taking orders for boots, flannel anything, and chamois shirts, I take home some pad Thai and relax before bed. The thing that really sucks about the next couple of weeks is I have to work on the days I spend with my kids. I spoke with My Son yesterday and we’ll try to squeeze in a couple of days between now and my birthday.
December 19. Mark it on your calendar.
The next couple of weeks will be hell on wheels.
I have my regular job at the Big City Hospital warehouse, but I also work for LL Bean taking phone orders for the holiday season. I love the work, love the customers, and I especially love the extra income. After Thanksgiving, however, it gets very busy.
Now, I’m preparing for working my second job 9 out of the next 11 days. It’s bad enough that I have to rise at oh-dark-hundred for my regular job. For the next couple weeks, I’ll be going from one job to another. The bad part is some of my hours scheduled until midnight. I do have the option to request to be sent home early, but I’m not sure if they’ll let me. I know that the phones will be off the wall and the calls non-stop. I’ll keep reminding myself that the money I’ll earn will make the kids’ Christmas a little more jolly. I’m stocking up on orange juice, multi-vitamins and Hot Pockets. Let’s see how my energy holds out over the next two weeks.
I’ve been thinking about what I should give My Kids for Chrstmas. I believe that gifts are given with love and the cost isn’t important. My kids are at an age where the present get more expensive, and they all want what their friends have. My Daughter is the most difficult to buy for. She repeats her requests every year: gift cards. I understand that she can go shopping after Christmas and get more bang for the buck. But I’m old-fashioned and a gift card sounds so impersonal. I like them to have something to open on Christmas. This year, she’s talking about a game system like PS3 or XBox.
I love that she takes after me: big, expensive gifts that stand a snowball’s chance in hell. When I was in my teens, I used to put together the most elaborate Christmas lists. I would’ve written for the Sears & Roebuck catalog, my lists were that detailed. Color, size, estimated price, best place to buy…I gave my folks more detailed information than they needed. As I got older, my requests moved from record albums and clothes, to Red Sox tickets and a Sony Walkman. I got neither. I still make out detailed lists. I guess I did it so I wouldn’t be disappointed on Christmas morning. I hoped that my family would pay attention and pull gifts off my list. They did, for the most part, excpet for my Aunt Dorcus. She always bought me socks.
She bought socks for all the men in the family. Very predictable.
As for My Son, he is just as hard to buy for as his sister. This year, since he’s taking a photography class as an arts elective, he wants a $600 Nikon camera. Do you think he’d be bummed if he got a point-and-shoot instead? I like to put sports cards in his stocking, along with the Pex dispenser, cashews, toenail clippers and deck of cards.
Don’t worry, he’ll get other good stuff. Didn’t you get one or two items in your stocking that repeated from year to year? For me, it was toenail clippers, deordorant, Andes mints and cashews.
I won’t have much time to devote to writing over the next couple of weeks. I’ll try to squeeze in some short posts here and there. Maybe I’ll post my Christmas list. Honestly, there’s not much I want for Christmas. I will likely receive a magazine subscription from my folks, along with small gifts and a stocking. I would hope the kids buy me either golf balls or gift card to the local music store. Maybe hockey tickets for a game all three of us can enjoy together.
The chances of getting what I really want for Christmas are slim. Less than that. More like impossible. I found this same gift under my tree two Christmases ago. It was the best gift I’ve ever received.
It was the gift of love, of someone’s heart given because they had trusted the Cosmos, had faith and didn’t run from it. It was the right gift for that time.
As I’ve said, the chances I’ll find that are slim. If it were from the same giver, that would be divine. It’s doubtful, though.
But, one never knows. Finding that under the tree WOULD BE a Christmas miracle.
In this episode, gentle reader, we introduce a new character to the always-growing list of folk running in, out, around and through my life.
Meet The Shrink.
A few posts ago, I mentioned I was going back into therapy. This week, I went back. All things considered, I should’ve gone back in June and gotten everything off my chest, instead of letting it fester over the summer.
I am a big advocate of therapy. Everyone should go in for a tune-up. I believe more people should do it, that way our society wouldn’t be so stressed out. Some issues are best worked out with an outside agent. Personally, I couldn’t work out my issues alone. How some folks think they can solve their complex problems alone doesn’t make sense. It takes longer if you go it alone.
I like The Shrink. The guy plays golf and he’s been to Scotland. Talk about copassetic. We easily spend the first ten minutes of the session talking about our golf games. He strongly suggests that golf is good therapy for me. Too bad he couldn’t prescribe a membership at a local course, but the insurance nazis would deny me. This guy is geeky cool. Most LSWs and therapists are geeky in some way. I had one therapist who was into fishing and he kept rods and reels in his office. He also had some putters and balls, which was cool because I could always stop our conversation and putt to relax. I get the same benefit from The Shrink. I feel comfortable talking with The Shrink. I feel I can trust him. He’s also turned me on to some cool Buddhist thought that has helped me in the past. I’ve started a form of Buddhist meditation as a way to relax and clear my brain. I’ve attempted something similar but didn’t stick with it.
It was good to unload all the crap from the last 5 months. He was an advocate of my relationship with My Love when we first started, and was disappointed when I told him she had broken off the relationship. Then I told him about my feelings of alienation, isolation, and identity issues. All of these issues have been touched upon in assorted posts over the past few months, so there’s nothing new.
I will not talk about everything that’s discussed with The Shrink. Some things need to be kept private. But I will tell you that I have “homework” before the next session. It’s just some reading. I also need to begin to make small changes in my lifestyle. Only one for now and it can be a small one, like cut back on the junk food or get out and excercise. It’s about small steps towards success.
I won’t say that I see instant results, but I am more motivated and recognize that I need to put things in order. I don’t want the crappy life I resigned myself to this past summer. I don’t like feeling crappy about myself. I am so glad I made the decision to give romance a break. I am not in a place where I can be in a relationship. It will be a long time before I will go there. I’ve got “stuff” I need to deal with and fix.
There are days when my life feels like this, when memories fill your head and you can’t get past them. As much as I try to believe that you can’t change the past, the difficulty lies in if/how you allow the past to affect the present. Even the most clear-thinking person allows themselves to drift back and wonder “what if..”.
You’ve been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you’ve changed
All the money in the world
Couldn’t bring back those days.
And all your friends and family think that you’re lucky.
But the side of you they’ll never see
Is when you’re left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue
– The The “This is the Day”
I am happy to report that, despite my curious nature, I did NOT go into the belly of the beast on Friday.
Black Friday is for crazy people. Those who make the choice to rise too early and stake their claim at whatever retail store, are either smart shoppers or off their rocker.
I guess it depends on your perspective. Some would say that having a plan, shopping as a team, and work the stores to their advantage is smart shopping. I will give them that much. It’s a logical approach to the chaos that is Black Friday.
But most shoppers aren’t like that. It’s a mad dash, grab what you can and sort through it later. That’s a more primeval approach, and the most entertaining. Nothing more stimulating than standing in the aisles at Wally World and watch the trailer trash duke it out over a cheap, “Made In China”, piece of junk. I work with a “kid” – some kid, he’s twenty years younger than I – who works at Wally World. Some of the stories he’s told are too much. One example are the people who slept in the aisles, waiting for the sale to begin. That’s a bit extreme.
So, I am proud to say I avoided that scene, partly because I work at the ungodly hour. But if I had the time and opportunity, I still would avoid that scene like the plague. The closest I came to penetrating the perimeter and going deep into enemy territory was making a stop at our locally-owned music store for some fresh additions to the Christmas/Solstice music library. It was on the way home. I could easily avoid the mall traffic. And it was worth it. I was hoping to find a rare John Fahey Christmas CD, but no luck. What I did find was just as good: some Windham Hill Christmas compilations.
I love the WH catalog. It brings a sense of serenity to the chaotic sturm and drang that is the Christmas season. I got a good laugh many years ago, when I was working for the college radio station. George Winston was all the rage at the time. But Somebody got the bright idea that if it’s instrumental, then it’s jazz.
Nice try. Then somebody in the music press referred to their music as “New Age”.
Wrong again. How about calling it “accoustic music”. Pure and simple. It’s another example of how the record industry loves to label and compartmentalize music. They need to do it for marketing purposes. They deduce that if it doesn’t have a label that identifies the music, then no one will buy it. No wonder the recording industry is losing money to digital downloads. They’re so busy trying to keep the old marketing formula, charging outrageous prices for CD’s and not grasping the concept that it’s so much cheaper to download.
Let’s move on, shall we.
Windham Hill artists are great to listen to in the evening. The music helps me relax, and WH is definitely relaxing. It’s also great for setting a mood. It’s been awhile since I’ve gone down that road.
Sometimes, while listening to a new disc, I’ll discover some interesting takes on a familiar tune. I put on one of the WH Christmas discs when I came home. I sat down in The Man Cave to unwind a bit, closed my eyes to take in the music, and sat bolt upright, surprised by one of the tunes. The artist alludes me at the moment, but it was a guitarist interpretting “Angels We Have Heard On High”. The surprising, and very cool part, was that it was played as a Brazilian samba. It was great, it totally worked, and it made me smile.
One of Life’s little pleasures.
