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I find it appropriate that I write this post on the 20th Anniversary of “The Simpsons” first airing on Fox. I am getting a cosmic dope slap (Doah!)
I feel like Homer when I am reminded that The Cosmos help one to find the imbalance and to right what is wrong. After posting yesterday, I received a couple of well-meaning, but strong reminders. In a nutshell, I need to (again) get my head out of my butt.
I need to be fair: to My Love, to the reader, and to myself. I need to move on. My Love is no longer my lover, but she is my friend. She cares about what happens to me. She does feel badly about how we parted. As much as I would like to have an intimate relationship with her, it isn’t possible. We are both not good at dealing with endings. It has been as painful for her as it’s been for me, although she hasn’t intimated those thoughts with me. I wouldn’t expect her to do that. But she is trying to figure out the why’s and what’s behind her decision. I wish her well.
With that being said, I need to take the advice I posted yesterday and integrate it into my life. I am just starting to become more comfortable in my own skin. I am becoming more and more accustomed to my life. I like what I’m seeing in therapy. The Shrink is wise and understands me all too well, so he knows how to push me and guide me. He is helping me toward my goal of living a valued life.
One of the issues I need to abandon is the notion that My Love is coming back. She isn’t, so I must move forward. Yes, there will be days that are emotionally frustrating. But I will get through them, just like I’ve been able to work through the events of the last two years. I must regularly remind myself of this and that I am traveling in the right direction.
Another reason for this post is that I imagine there are some who read these posts who are thinking, “Get over yourself!!” You are not like the casual reader who is looking for an emotional trainwreck. I am anything but that. My difficulty is in getting stuck at certain points of the journey. I am encountering self-created obstacles, and I need to stop doing that. I don’t want to be a whinning pathetic creature. I want to live life and enjoy what it has to offer. I am learning to understand what to do with the pain I’ve experienced, to accept it for what it is. I’ve discovered (usually in hindsight) that I deal with my emotions in writing instead of understanding the situations that trigger those emotions.
All that aside, things are good. I will be looking forward to having my evenings to myself again. I have been so busy these last three weeks I barely have time to have an original thought. It makes me wonder what directions my thoughts will go. I want to stay busy and keep myself occupied. I’ll be okay. I just need to be mindful.
ONLY TWO MORE DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
“If something is leaving your life, no matter how valuable or important it seem, it is because in some way it held you back. If something leaves, know that something better is coming. (See) what things are real and important, and what things are unnecessary and unneeded.” ~ Sanaya Roman
In as much as I like this quotation, I am not ready to understand it. There needs to be a level of trust in oneself and the Cosmos, in order for the true meaning to be understood. It also means that one has to take a hard look at their life, and determine what is needed and unnecessary.
This quote is very timely. The Shrink and I got together yesterday. I took advantage of an AH-HA moment at a traffic light and pulled sharply in front of a small Thai restaurant. A one-star pad thai later and I was off to see the wizard. The Shrink is abig supporter of ah-ha moments, so he complimented me on my choice. We’ve been looking at what is important in my life. Things, such as family relationships, romantic/inimate relationships, and community relationships, were examined to see their order of importance in my life. I determined that romantic/intimate relationships are at the bottom of the list. The last thing I need is that type of commitment. Besides, according to what I’ve been told, I do not have the finances to sustain a romantic relationship. I don’t need that kind of rejection again. I don’t need the headache and frustrations. Being told you’re not good enough really sucks.
Anyway, that’s why I’m in therapy: to deal with these issues and create some positve change.
I am discovering some interesting things about myself. Nothing to divulge at this time, but I will let you know when the next ah-ha moment comes along.
COUNTDOWN: THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
” ‘Cause what she’s doing now is tearing me apart
Filling up my mind and tearing up my heart”
– Garth Brooks “What She’s Doing Now”
Usually, with the schedule I’ve been keeping lately, I haven’t got time to let my mind wander. I didn’t have time to think about My Love. But not today. She has been on my mind all day. I’m not sure what was the trigger. Maybe it was the Josh Groban song, “Believe”. My Love loves Josh Groban. Maybe it was the Christmas love song where the singer falls in love on Christmas Day.
My Love and I fell in love on Christmas. She was house sitting out in the sticks and had invited me to keep her company. She had made me breakfast and after we finished, I noticed she seemed unusually nervous. After taking a deep breath, she said that she was taking a leap of faith. She told me that she had fallen in love with me. I understand why it made her so nervous. Her previous boyfriend, whom she also fell in love with, had dumped her. She was bruised and unsure, not certain if she would ever fall in love again.
And I came along. I gave her all the same things he did, but I was patient with her to allow her to try and figure things out within her head and heart. I was able to hold her when she needed. I also held her heart in my hands, gently and with care. It was what she needed.
I had known for at least a month before abut my feelings about her. I had fallen in love with her on the day we met. Drinks at Ruby Tuesdays, followed by a drive to the coast to side by the ocean. I kissed her on the same day. Wow!!! What lips! I fell in love with her mind, her independent spirit and her gorgeous eyes. And those curves. Many times I got lost in those curves.
So, what IS she doing now? I am not in a place where I would feel comfortable calling. I am still healing and adjusting to Life with Me.
But I do wonder how she is. Is her work still a huge challenge? Is she keeping busy? Is she dating?
That’s the one that’s the most difficult to come to terms with. Who is replacing me in her life? She is a beautiful woman and wouldn’t have difficulty finding dates. Has she found someone to fill the space where I used to be?
Someone told me recently that if she hasn’t contacted you recently, chances are she doesn’t intend to contact me. Thanks for the input. I’m just sad. I miss her.
The romantic inside me wants to think she sits at home and wonders the same about me, that she made a mistake but doesn’t want me to know.
Not likely.
The same romantic wants to think that a Christmas reunion would be wonderful.
What Hollywod script writers have invaded my brain? This isn’t a scene from “Sleepless in Seattle”. This isn’t “The Notebook”.
I only wish that she is taking care of herself, that she’s not staying up late and not getting enough sleep. And I wish that I could stop driving myself crazy with thoughts of her. I have the power to control that. However, I have never had a woman take hold of my being the way she did. I never had loved anyone the way I loved her.
Memo to readers in the Midwest: I feel your pain.
As I write, New England is receiving the brunt of a huge storm. Snow is falling at a rate of an inch an hour. Inland, they can expect a foot of snow or more. Here on the coast, we can expect 6 inches of snow before it turns to rain. At the moment, it still looks pretty as I look out the open bay door on the loading dock. But I am not looking forward to driving in this.
The Shrink and I had a confab yesterday. We talked about suffering versus pain. Everyone feels pain, but we shouldn’t have to suffer. I feel the pain of losing My Love, but I shouldn’t have to suffer. I don’t want to ignore the pain. It is a part of being a human being. I also don’t want to try and fix it. It is what it is. All of us should just accept the pain, feel it and move on. We get into trouble when we dwell on the pain.
The Shrink and I also talked about what I think is important in my life. That conversation was triggered by the story I told about finding the $10 receiver at Goodwill, the expression of utter joy when I spoke about writing here, and when I spoke about music. He said that the expression on my face was so animated, so full of energy and passion. I explained to The Shrink how I felt when I listen to music. I allowed myself to feel the music which, in turn, generated some wonderful feelings.
For example, The Shrink put on a recording of Luciano Pavoratti singing “Nessun Dorma”, from the opera “Turandot”, by Puccini. I closed my eyes and let the music fill my senses. My first reaction after 30 seconds was that, although I couldn’t understand what he was singing, I could feel his pain. Those amazing crescendos, the depth of his range and the wonderful melody picked me up and carried my like a wind current. If I knew the piece, I would’ve sung along. But the beauty of the song and the singer lifted me up. I had the same reaction when I first heard “Nether Lands” by Dan Fogelberg. The entire song is majestic and tender, a wonderfully orchestral piece with cinematic qualities. The whole song is beautiful, but the part that touches my heart is the last minute. That last 60 seconds of music is so gorgeous and I close my eyes in a similar way as I did with the Puccini, letting the music carry my heart upward.
Music, for me, is essential. I cannot imagine what Life would be like if I didn’t have music. Music can motivate, heal, and inspire. I makes you joyful, fills you with sorrow, and releases amazing power. Some of our most powerful memories are associated with music. It is an extremely personal experience. No two people have the same reaction to the same piece of music. Other than love, music is the stongest force in the universe.
But the power comes from me, not the music. The music is just a vehicle. I allow myself to let the music take me where it will. I remember the scene from “The Shawshank Redemption”, where Tim Robbins, after receiving a shipment of books and music from area libraries, selects a duet from Mozart’s “The Marriage of Figaro”. Two women, a soprano and an alto, sing a wonderfully sublime piece that, when played over the prison loudspeakers, causes every man to stop and listen. That act get Robbins a stint in solitary confinement, but it was the music, kept deep in his heart, that helped sustain him. It’s in a place that no one can touch. The Shrink and I agreed that music is a VERY important part of who I am. I can sing, but not like Pavoratti. But I can feel the music take me places, bringing me a level of joy that is indescribable.
I can get the same reaction while listening to “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin, “Brown Sugar” by the Rolling Stones, The Chieftains’ Love Theme, from the movie ”Barry Lyndon”, and “Claire de Lune” by Claude Debussy, among others. They are all moving pieces of music. For me, moving doesn’t necessarily mean sublime. It’s also powerful, gentle, playful and some emotions I have yet to describe. But I feel in deep inside where no one can touch it or take it away. Google them or find them on YouTube. When you hear them, you’ll understand.
My homework assignment for the week is to begin to find what is important to me, and what I need to live a valued life.
There are days when my life feels like this, when memories fill your head and you can’t get past them. As much as I try to believe that you can’t change the past, the difficulty lies in if/how you allow the past to affect the present. Even the most clear-thinking person allows themselves to drift back and wonder “what if..”.
You’ve been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you’ve changed
All the money in the world
Couldn’t bring back those days.
And all your friends and family think that you’re lucky.
But the side of you they’ll never see
Is when you’re left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue
– The The “This is the Day”
I checked my L.L. Bean schedule for the next couple of weeks. I am working six days straight, one day off, then four days. OUCH! What makes it painful is that my out time is MIDNIGHT, and I have to be at work at 5:30am, or “oh-dark-hundred”, for eight hours. I did the math and discovered I could make beaucoup bucks but I would be seriously compromising my sleep. The last thing I need is to do the Walking Zombie through the next three weeks. I could have some fun for Christmas with that money. I’m thinking about buying a Wii for the kids’ Christmas gift, and that money would go a long way towards that.
I’m not sure how I am spending the Thanksgiving holiday. I do know how my day will start: up at 3:30am at the warehouse. The folks at The Big City Hospital want all their supplies early so they can leave before noon. That means my little band of church mice have to get up even EARLIER to process orders. I should be home before 11am. I’m not sure what I’ll do for dinner. My kids are with their mother, and they’ll be spending Thanksgiving with her sister’s family. Maybe, if it’s not raining, I’ll make a turkey sandwich and head to the beach.
Today, however, I will be cooking my famous Trash Can Turkey. The Ex- asked me if I would cook it for her. I’ve done this several times and it’s a fun way to cook a turkey. It’s amazing what can be done with a clean, unused aluminum trash can, a large bag of charcoal, heavy-duty foil and a wooden garden stake. The cook time is under two hours and the bird is fall-off-the-bone moist. YUM! The Ex- is springing for all the supplies. All I need to do is cook it and take home some meat at the end.
If I’m not able to write in the next couple of days, don’t worry. In the interum, I want to wish you all….
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
I am truly blessed to have this outlet to write and work out the bugs in my life. I am thankful for the people who take the time to pay a visit now and then. Although I don’t write for you, I am glad you are a part of this. I am also thankful for the people closest to my heart. These people have helped me in immeasurable ways, and I am thankful beyond words for them. You know who you are.
Last night was an evening I really needed.
I had found The Squire online Friday afternoon and I asked his plans for the weekend, thinking we could relax, enjoy some home brew and catch up. He responds with an invitation for dinner Saturday night. I was up for it.
I always like visiting The Squire. He lives in the house he grew up in after moving here from Vermont. His jack-of-all-trades father built it. The property has been in his family for 150 years. You can see the headlight from the back porch and the beach is a short walk away. It’s a very relaxing place to be anytime. It has a serene quality, almost isolated. The sky fills with stars at night.
I pick up some havarti cheese and a rack of Geary’s Hampshire Special and off I go. WHen I arrived, The Squire’s wife and her sister were embattled in a game of Scrabble. Actually, they had just started the game and asked me if I wanted to play.
I love to play Scrabble. Nothing hardcore, mind you. I allow slang, foreign words and abbreviations, which is unheard amongst the serious Scrabble players.
Tough cookies to you.
In this game, I had to play by the rules. Let’s say I was vowel-challenged through the game. But it’s how you play the tiles you have in front of you, and I did alright. But it was so much fun.
Lots of food, lots of good beer and even an electric fire (it was contained, nothing serious)…it was all good.
On to the next challenge…..
Get a Life
I never thought I’d be using that phrase on myself but, at the point in time, it applies to me. It’s been an on-going struggle for me since my separation in ‘07.
WHO AM I?
My friend, The Squire, told me at the beginning of the summer that I had an opportunity. Since he’s known me, he believed that I didn’t know who I was. I wasn’t sure of what he meant and that bothered me. I could identify myself as a son, a father, a brother, an ex-husband and ex-boyfriend. I am a December baby, Baby Boomer, potentially somebody’s baby and a child of the Seventies. I identify myself as a lover of music, golf, good beer and barbeque, good sex, long road trips, long beach walks, country fairs and oxen pulls. I am other things, but does that mean I know WHO I am.
When I was married, I found my identity as part of a marriage and the head of a family. When I was seeing My Love, I was her partner. Currently, I am a employee of the Big City Hospital, member of my church and Red Sox Nation.
But is all of that WHO I AM?
Here lies the challenge: find out who I am. It’s a good subject to bring into therapy. I believe it’s the missing piece of the puzzle. By discovering who I am, I can move forward and live my life. I know it’s not an instant fix, that it will take hard work and reflection. It means asking myself alot of questions. Some of them will be difficult and challenging.
All I want is to be happy. Doesn’t everyone want to be happy?
I’m back. This time, I am walking a bit humbler, but a little bit jaded and stunned. I made a promise to My Love that I would not write about her, and I will keep it.
But I return with a boatload of questions about myself. Some are ones that I cannot answer. That’s why I am going into therapy. The appointment has been made – November 30. As much as this forum has allowed me to do similar work as therapy, I need the feedback and support that you cannot give me.
I will continue to write, but nothing similar to my posts on My Love. At the moment, I wonder how my life will play out over the next year. People keep telling me that it will get better. I heard the same things after my divorce, but I had My Love as a sounding board. That’s why I need therapy; I need the feedback.
SO……..
I’ll be back from time to time. Nothing of the regularity for the last four months, but you never know. I might get on a streak and then you’ll get sick of me.
If you are new to this blog, I invite you to view the archive for past posts. It’s been a wild summer and fall, a regular rollercoaster ride.
Time to grow a pair…man up…let the big dog eat
No more whimpy whinning.
No more driving myself crazy over a decision I didn’t make.
And if I resort to this behavior again, I officially give you permission to kick my butt.
I love her, I want to be with her, I want us to keep moving forward as a couple. But that’s not going to happen. Those are her issues and it’s her life. If she chooses to include me, wonderful.
Otherwise, me and my brass monkeys are heading out. I need to take a few days and just “be”. I’ll see you….whenever.
