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I got a birthday gift from My Love.
She sent me a book on creative writing, some pens, tablets of paper and my favorite Cadbury chocolate. Inside the birthday card, she encouraged me to keep writing, to follow my passion. She also sent along warm thoughts.
Tomorrow, we are getting together to have coffee after she finishes work.
You can pick your jaw up off the floor now.
This is how I want it to be from now on. In my brave new world I want to be able to sit and talk with My Love. I want to feel comfortable being with her, not feeling like I’m walking on eggshells.
It’s a short post tonight. I received a phone call from my mother this morning, telling me that she and my dad will be stopping in on their way to Connecticut.
Let’s just say I’ve some wrapping to do.
“Doctor Stretch. Doctor James Stretch. You are wanted in the delivery room.”
It was a snowy mid-December afternoon when the young woman, barely out of her teens, went into labor. The forecast for the Conneecticut River Valley was for light snow most of the afternoon and evening, which made everything look postcard-perfect. She had been admitted the day before, but she secretly had hoped for a Christmas baby.
The baby had other ideas.
No one had told her the pain would be this bad and it frightened her. As she was prepped for delivery, the young mother causiously looked around. Her husband? Where was the father. The father was nowhere to be found. That was normal because in 1960, fathers were never allowed in the delivery room. But the father was there, waiting, in the father’s waiting area of Hartford Hospital. It wasn’t a prolonged wait. After just a few hours, the young mother gave birth to a baby boy.
4:30pm on December 19th.
So, here I am. Happy birthday to me.
“If something is leaving your life, no matter how valuable or important it seem, it is because in some way it held you back. If something leaves, know that something better is coming. (See) what things are real and important, and what things are unnecessary and unneeded.” ~ Sanaya Roman
In as much as I like this quotation, I am not ready to understand it. There needs to be a level of trust in oneself and the Cosmos, in order for the true meaning to be understood. It also means that one has to take a hard look at their life, and determine what is needed and unnecessary.
This quote is very timely. The Shrink and I got together yesterday. I took advantage of an AH-HA moment at a traffic light and pulled sharply in front of a small Thai restaurant. A one-star pad thai later and I was off to see the wizard. The Shrink is abig supporter of ah-ha moments, so he complimented me on my choice. We’ve been looking at what is important in my life. Things, such as family relationships, romantic/inimate relationships, and community relationships, were examined to see their order of importance in my life. I determined that romantic/intimate relationships are at the bottom of the list. The last thing I need is that type of commitment. Besides, according to what I’ve been told, I do not have the finances to sustain a romantic relationship. I don’t need that kind of rejection again. I don’t need the headache and frustrations. Being told you’re not good enough really sucks.
Anyway, that’s why I’m in therapy: to deal with these issues and create some positve change.
I am discovering some interesting things about myself. Nothing to divulge at this time, but I will let you know when the next ah-ha moment comes along.
COUNTDOWN: THREE MORE DAYS UNTIL MY BIRTHDAY
” ‘Cause what she’s doing now is tearing me apart
Filling up my mind and tearing up my heart”
– Garth Brooks “What She’s Doing Now”
Usually, with the schedule I’ve been keeping lately, I haven’t got time to let my mind wander. I didn’t have time to think about My Love. But not today. She has been on my mind all day. I’m not sure what was the trigger. Maybe it was the Josh Groban song, “Believe”. My Love loves Josh Groban. Maybe it was the Christmas love song where the singer falls in love on Christmas Day.
My Love and I fell in love on Christmas. She was house sitting out in the sticks and had invited me to keep her company. She had made me breakfast and after we finished, I noticed she seemed unusually nervous. After taking a deep breath, she said that she was taking a leap of faith. She told me that she had fallen in love with me. I understand why it made her so nervous. Her previous boyfriend, whom she also fell in love with, had dumped her. She was bruised and unsure, not certain if she would ever fall in love again.
And I came along. I gave her all the same things he did, but I was patient with her to allow her to try and figure things out within her head and heart. I was able to hold her when she needed. I also held her heart in my hands, gently and with care. It was what she needed.
I had known for at least a month before abut my feelings about her. I had fallen in love with her on the day we met. Drinks at Ruby Tuesdays, followed by a drive to the coast to side by the ocean. I kissed her on the same day. Wow!!! What lips! I fell in love with her mind, her independent spirit and her gorgeous eyes. And those curves. Many times I got lost in those curves.
So, what IS she doing now? I am not in a place where I would feel comfortable calling. I am still healing and adjusting to Life with Me.
But I do wonder how she is. Is her work still a huge challenge? Is she keeping busy? Is she dating?
That’s the one that’s the most difficult to come to terms with. Who is replacing me in her life? She is a beautiful woman and wouldn’t have difficulty finding dates. Has she found someone to fill the space where I used to be?
Someone told me recently that if she hasn’t contacted you recently, chances are she doesn’t intend to contact me. Thanks for the input. I’m just sad. I miss her.
The romantic inside me wants to think she sits at home and wonders the same about me, that she made a mistake but doesn’t want me to know.
Not likely.
The same romantic wants to think that a Christmas reunion would be wonderful.
What Hollywod script writers have invaded my brain? This isn’t a scene from “Sleepless in Seattle”. This isn’t “The Notebook”.
I only wish that she is taking care of herself, that she’s not staying up late and not getting enough sleep. And I wish that I could stop driving myself crazy with thoughts of her. I have the power to control that. However, I have never had a woman take hold of my being the way she did. I never had loved anyone the way I loved her.
There is something to be said about not seeing your kids for a week.
Last night was my first night off from LL Bean in ten days. I knew this at the beginnning of this stretch, so I talked with My Son about getting together. I knew his sister would be working, so I asked him to set the night aside for just the two of us. He likes to hang out with his friends and his girlfriend, and sometimes he makes plans with them on days we are supposed to be together.
We kept it low key. We made a trip up to the Big Store — LL Bean’s flagship store, which is a 20 minute drive, to buy some gift cards with my discount. Hey, 33% goes a long way. On the way up, we had an amazing conversation about a wide range of topics. But it wasn’t so much what we were talking about, rather the fact that we were talking. I have noticed he is becoming more confident. He has discovered his talents in woodshop and photography. His academic performance is much improved. I am seeing him transforming into a fine young man right before my eyes, and it makes me extremely proud. I made sure to let him know.
Sometimes I wonder how he would be if I were still with his mother. I believe that he is much better off now. We both are better off. We both have learned things about ourselves that needed changing and we made those changes.
Memo to readers in the Midwest: I feel your pain.
As I write, New England is receiving the brunt of a huge storm. Snow is falling at a rate of an inch an hour. Inland, they can expect a foot of snow or more. Here on the coast, we can expect 6 inches of snow before it turns to rain. At the moment, it still looks pretty as I look out the open bay door on the loading dock. But I am not looking forward to driving in this.
The Shrink and I had a confab yesterday. We talked about suffering versus pain. Everyone feels pain, but we shouldn’t have to suffer. I feel the pain of losing My Love, but I shouldn’t have to suffer. I don’t want to ignore the pain. It is a part of being a human being. I also don’t want to try and fix it. It is what it is. All of us should just accept the pain, feel it and move on. We get into trouble when we dwell on the pain.
The Shrink and I also talked about what I think is important in my life. That conversation was triggered by the story I told about finding the $10 receiver at Goodwill, the expression of utter joy when I spoke about writing here, and when I spoke about music. He said that the expression on my face was so animated, so full of energy and passion. I explained to The Shrink how I felt when I listen to music. I allowed myself to feel the music which, in turn, generated some wonderful feelings.
For example, The Shrink put on a recording of Luciano Pavoratti singing “Nessun Dorma”, from the opera “Turandot”, by Puccini. I closed my eyes and let the music fill my senses. My first reaction after 30 seconds was that, although I couldn’t understand what he was singing, I could feel his pain. Those amazing crescendos, the depth of his range and the wonderful melody picked me up and carried my like a wind current. If I knew the piece, I would’ve sung along. But the beauty of the song and the singer lifted me up. I had the same reaction when I first heard “Nether Lands” by Dan Fogelberg. The entire song is majestic and tender, a wonderfully orchestral piece with cinematic qualities. The whole song is beautiful, but the part that touches my heart is the last minute. That last 60 seconds of music is so gorgeous and I close my eyes in a similar way as I did with the Puccini, letting the music carry my heart upward.
Music, for me, is essential. I cannot imagine what Life would be like if I didn’t have music. Music can motivate, heal, and inspire. I makes you joyful, fills you with sorrow, and releases amazing power. Some of our most powerful memories are associated with music. It is an extremely personal experience. No two people have the same reaction to the same piece of music. Other than love, music is the stongest force in the universe.
But the power comes from me, not the music. The music is just a vehicle. I allow myself to let the music take me where it will. I remember the scene from “The Shawshank Redemption”, where Tim Robbins, after receiving a shipment of books and music from area libraries, selects a duet from Mozart’s “The Marriage of Figaro”. Two women, a soprano and an alto, sing a wonderfully sublime piece that, when played over the prison loudspeakers, causes every man to stop and listen. That act get Robbins a stint in solitary confinement, but it was the music, kept deep in his heart, that helped sustain him. It’s in a place that no one can touch. The Shrink and I agreed that music is a VERY important part of who I am. I can sing, but not like Pavoratti. But I can feel the music take me places, bringing me a level of joy that is indescribable.
I can get the same reaction while listening to “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin, “Brown Sugar” by the Rolling Stones, The Chieftains’ Love Theme, from the movie ”Barry Lyndon”, and “Claire de Lune” by Claude Debussy, among others. They are all moving pieces of music. For me, moving doesn’t necessarily mean sublime. It’s also powerful, gentle, playful and some emotions I have yet to describe. But I feel in deep inside where no one can touch it or take it away. Google them or find them on YouTube. When you hear them, you’ll understand.
My homework assignment for the week is to begin to find what is important to me, and what I need to live a valued life.
Weelllll…..you know you make me wanna ..SHOUT
That’s the song playing in the background. I like the original by the Isley Brothers, but the version from the “Animal House” soundtrack is very good. That song sounds so sanctified like a tent revival, but the subject matter is anything but holy. It’s not a song for the timid. It is straight-ahead rhythm and blues with driving groove.
I was intending to comment on the nature of rhythm and blues, but it was good to get it out. I told you that story to get to this one.
Yesterday, the temperature in southern Maine was in the 60’s. Today, it’s in the 50’s. The last time I checked a callendar, it’s DECEMBER. We are supposed to be in the low 40s, but I will enjoy this for as long as I can. At lunchtime, I read online that Texas is getting ready for snow.
SNOW in TEXAS?
It was warmer in Maine than in Texas yesterday. It’s all very screwy. Even my beloved Scotland is getting wierd weather. Their summers have been anything but cool. Over the last couple years, going back to 2003, the temperature routinely hits above 17-degrees C.
I’m sure it’s a sign of the end of the world. Until then, I’ll try to find a golf course that’s still open.
A good night is ahead. After four hours of taking orders for boots, flannel anything, and chamois shirts, I take home some pad Thai and relax before bed. The thing that really sucks about the next couple of weeks is I have to work on the days I spend with my kids. I spoke with My Son yesterday and we’ll try to squeeze in a couple of days between now and my birthday.
December 19. Mark it on your calendar.
In this episode, gentle reader, we introduce a new character to the always-growing list of folk running in, out, around and through my life.
Meet The Shrink.
A few posts ago, I mentioned I was going back into therapy. This week, I went back. All things considered, I should’ve gone back in June and gotten everything off my chest, instead of letting it fester over the summer.
I am a big advocate of therapy. Everyone should go in for a tune-up. I believe more people should do it, that way our society wouldn’t be so stressed out. Some issues are best worked out with an outside agent. Personally, I couldn’t work out my issues alone. How some folks think they can solve their complex problems alone doesn’t make sense. It takes longer if you go it alone.
I like The Shrink. The guy plays golf and he’s been to Scotland. Talk about copassetic. We easily spend the first ten minutes of the session talking about our golf games. He strongly suggests that golf is good therapy for me. Too bad he couldn’t prescribe a membership at a local course, but the insurance nazis would deny me. This guy is geeky cool. Most LSWs and therapists are geeky in some way. I had one therapist who was into fishing and he kept rods and reels in his office. He also had some putters and balls, which was cool because I could always stop our conversation and putt to relax. I get the same benefit from The Shrink. I feel comfortable talking with The Shrink. I feel I can trust him. He’s also turned me on to some cool Buddhist thought that has helped me in the past. I’ve started a form of Buddhist meditation as a way to relax and clear my brain. I’ve attempted something similar but didn’t stick with it.
It was good to unload all the crap from the last 5 months. He was an advocate of my relationship with My Love when we first started, and was disappointed when I told him she had broken off the relationship. Then I told him about my feelings of alienation, isolation, and identity issues. All of these issues have been touched upon in assorted posts over the past few months, so there’s nothing new.
I will not talk about everything that’s discussed with The Shrink. Some things need to be kept private. But I will tell you that I have “homework” before the next session. It’s just some reading. I also need to begin to make small changes in my lifestyle. Only one for now and it can be a small one, like cut back on the junk food or get out and excercise. It’s about small steps towards success.
I won’t say that I see instant results, but I am more motivated and recognize that I need to put things in order. I don’t want the crappy life I resigned myself to this past summer. I don’t like feeling crappy about myself. I am so glad I made the decision to give romance a break. I am not in a place where I can be in a relationship. It will be a long time before I will go there. I’ve got “stuff” I need to deal with and fix.
There are days when my life feels like this, when memories fill your head and you can’t get past them. As much as I try to believe that you can’t change the past, the difficulty lies in if/how you allow the past to affect the present. Even the most clear-thinking person allows themselves to drift back and wonder “what if..”.
You’ve been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you’ve changed
All the money in the world
Couldn’t bring back those days.
And all your friends and family think that you’re lucky.
But the side of you they’ll never see
Is when you’re left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue
– The The “This is the Day”
Last night was an evening I really needed.
I had found The Squire online Friday afternoon and I asked his plans for the weekend, thinking we could relax, enjoy some home brew and catch up. He responds with an invitation for dinner Saturday night. I was up for it.
I always like visiting The Squire. He lives in the house he grew up in after moving here from Vermont. His jack-of-all-trades father built it. The property has been in his family for 150 years. You can see the headlight from the back porch and the beach is a short walk away. It’s a very relaxing place to be anytime. It has a serene quality, almost isolated. The sky fills with stars at night.
I pick up some havarti cheese and a rack of Geary’s Hampshire Special and off I go. WHen I arrived, The Squire’s wife and her sister were embattled in a game of Scrabble. Actually, they had just started the game and asked me if I wanted to play.
I love to play Scrabble. Nothing hardcore, mind you. I allow slang, foreign words and abbreviations, which is unheard amongst the serious Scrabble players.
Tough cookies to you.
In this game, I had to play by the rules. Let’s say I was vowel-challenged through the game. But it’s how you play the tiles you have in front of you, and I did alright. But it was so much fun.
Lots of food, lots of good beer and even an electric fire (it was contained, nothing serious)…it was all good.
