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I know I am coming out of my latest funk when I want to start cooking.
Last night, while coming home from the library, I had a Cosmic Dope Slap moment. I got the idea that since it was my day off, I should make myself blueberry pancakes. It was a good thing becaue I had berries in my freezer that needed to be eaten. So after the meeting with my son’s teachers, I came home and put a batter together. I like to use a splash, OK maybe a large splash, of vanilla in the batter. Because I was cooking for just one, I had to cut the recipe in half. Otherwise I’d be eating pancakes for the next three mornings. There was some leftover maple syrup (the real stuff)in the fridge, and it was just enough for what I wanted.
YUMMMMM
When my relationship with My Love ended, I lost the desire to cook. I was sustained by pizza and takeout. One would think that having food as a comfort, but I didn’t have the desire to put dished together. Now I’ll cook when my kids come over, and for myself when I want a good meal. What I have discovered is it’s good therapy for me. I enjoy putting simple ingredients together to make something satisfying.
I watched LA Confidential last night. It seems that the majority of the movies I’m screening lately are films that I’ve always wanted to see, but they didn’t appeal to The Ex-. Last week it was “Like Water For Chocolate” – a very powerful, sensual film with alot of symbolism. Also “Waiting For Guffman” and ”Boogie Nights”.
I did have a Pina Colada moment with The Ex- during last week’s conversation. A Pina Colada moment refers to the song by Rupert Homes, where the couple discovers things about the other they didn’t know. I didn’t know she liked Hitchcock movies and some film noir.
The things one discovers AFTER a divorce.
Things with my Jetta aren’t all beer and skittles. Last week was the good news when I found out that the loan was paid off. Now I need to have rear brakes replaced. It’s always somethingIt only has 125,ooo miles on it, so it’s barely broken in. I am hoping to finish the repairs before my vacation next week. I don’t like the idea of hanging around my apartment all week.
Every so often I have bits of thoughts that need to come out, but I can’t flesh them out into a full posting. You might say it was a late summer cleaning.
I have to give props to native Mainer Ray Lamontagne. This past week, I visited the library downtown (not the one I usually haunt), where they have an awesome music collection. I had heard Ray’s music on radio and liked what I heard. Not having bought any CDs in awhile, I took a chance and borrowed his first album, Til The Sun Turns Black. I am so glad that I did. His voice has a rough and smokey quality, full of pain and lament. The music could be described as a fusion of acoustic blues and R&B, but don’t be quick to label it. Lamontgne has two other albums and is getting radio play in the UK.
I had a chat with The Ex- yesterday. It’s the first talk we’ve had in a couple months. There were issues that needed clarifying and resolution. You may have read my rant on how she drives me nuts sometimes. I explained to her that, in my mind, this was water under the bridge and I didn’t hold a grudge. We haven’t had many opportunities to talk and confrontation is not her strong suit. I told her that she should ask for what she needs. It would make our lives so much easier. The issue was I was low on cash and needed to do some laundry. I asked her if I could use her machine, and the response was delayed in coming. Did I strike a chord? She agreed, but later I discovered that she would’ve preferred if I had waited until Sunday. I understood, but I made a gentle suggestion that she could’ve said, “yes, but could you wait until Sunday. I need some space.” I would’ve honored that request. I grateful she allows me to use the washer at all. Long story short, we both need to improve our communication skills with each other. But the end result was very positive and that’s encouraging.
I have come to the conclusion that, although I am trying not to be a slob, my apartment continues to be a mess. In other words, my Hole In The Ground looks like a hole in the ground. It is a challenge for me to get up the energy to clean. It’s easy to be complacent because I am the only one who lives there and I don’t expect company in the near future. My biggest challenge is the dishes. I dislike washing dishes. Alot.
My car is finally paid off!! I had been adding extra money in with the payment every two weeks. The last time I checked with the credit union, I was told that the final payment was due in February 2010. But when I made the electronic transfer, I got a prompt that informed me I needed to pay less than what I intended to pay. After I closed the transaction, I called the credit union, and the teller confirmed that I had a zero balance. YEAH!!
I had a nice visit with my daughter yesterday. When I came over to do laundry, she offered to buy me a sandwich and drink. I walked with her to the sandwich shop. Along the way we had a nice chat, laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. It’s how I want my relationship with my daughter to be.
I have 7 new movies for my collection. A co-worker had offered to record some full length classics for me. All I needed to do was provide the blanks. Yesterday, I got a phone call, and was told I could pick up the movies that night. Yeah! I have waiting for me: Orson Welles’ “Citizen Kane” & “The Magnificent Ambersons”, “Gilda” with Glenn Ford and Rita Heyworth, “The Guns of Navarone” with Anthony Quinn and Gregory Peck; James Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington”, another HItchcock classic “Notorious” with Ingrid Bergman, and …ooops, I forgot the last movie. Forgive me.
To My Love: How are you? Have you been able to find the balance that’s been difficult to find? Please be gentle with yourself. I hope that you have been out and about, enjoying the summer and all there is to do. I think of you often. I still love you truly, madly, deeply.
It’s another mixed bag of movies for the week. I’ve made it to Season 3 of Little Britain. In the comedy vein, there’s “Waiting For Guffman” (the only picture I haven’t seen from Chris Guest and Co.). Also, a little film noir, “Double Indemnity” with Fred McMurray and Barbara Stanwick. Finally, “Like Water For Chocolate”. It was one of those movies I always wanted to see, but The Ex- didn’t. Hurray for me!
I had neglected to mention this weeks films, courtesy of the local library. I seem to be gravitating back and forth, to and from Alfred Hitchcock. I pulled “North By Northwest” with Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint, “A Streetcar Named Desire” with Marlon Brando and Vivian Leigh, “This Is Spinal Tap”, and the first season of Little Britain.
I love this show. It is so over the top, as are most British comedies. They don’t really have skits, per se, but rather vignettes. Some of them last anywhere from 30 seconds to 7 minutes. But the characters are great.
One of my co-workers agreed to record some movies from Turner Classics. He gave me the first, “Spellbound” with Gregory Peck and Ingrid Bergman. See, it’s the Hitchcock movies.
Sorry that I’ve slacked off on the classic movie updates. I took as week off to explore other options. But I have come back with some beautes.
First, let’s recap the last batch. Only one real classic: Citizen Kane.
The other was more contemporary: Boogie Nights
I liked both of them, but Citizen Kane I’d see again, if only because I was so taken with the photography. Plus, there’s all the extras I didn’t investigate.
This week, we have Hitchcok’s “Strangers on a Train”, “To Kill a Mockingbird” with Gregory Peck, and “Superbad”
That’s right, “Superbad”. yes, it’s not a classic, at least to my generaton. It’s for my son, to watch when he comes over on Thursday. I’ve heard it’s funny, so I’m giving it a chance. You know, expand the horizons.
Last night, I finished off this week’s batch of classic movies. I seeme to be drifting towards whodunnits and Hitchcock movies. Earlier in the week, I watched “The Man Who Knew Too Much” and “Laura”. I am attracted by these films for content and style. It’s rare to find good writing in movies today, and these movies have a way of keeping you interested with good dialogue and plot development. As for style, these movies have it in boatloads, especially the black and white films. Great moods created by shadows and light. With “The Third Man”, so much of it reflects the styles of “Citizen Kane”. Camera angles and quick cuts, longshots and extreme close-ups, they all make this a great movie. Plus, I love the zither music that plays throughout the picture. I love good film noir. I am trying to find “Double Endemnity” with Brabara Standwick and Fred McMurray.
So far, I taken out movies three weeks in a row. In each of those weeks, I have had at least one Hitchcock movie. I love good suspense. Horrow movies aren’t my thing, but I like the feel of a Hitchcok movie. One requirement for the viewer is to be thinking about what you see. Good film causes the audience to think and Hitchock always keeps the audience guessing. I always like to see where in the picture Hitchcock will have his famous walk-ons. Plus, ol’ Alfred had a thing for the women. I have yet to see a Hitchcok film that doesn’t have a gorgeous woman (Kim Novak, Grace Kelly, Tippi Hedron, Eva -Marie Saint, etc.), who also is a great actress.
I am so tired of “light films”, the kind that have a throwaway plot, average writing, and a happy endings. The Woman Who Broke My Heart liked light movies. The majority of the film we saw together were light movies. When I took her to see “Slumdog Millionaire”, she wasn’t sure if she was going to like it. She thought it might make her uncomfortable seeing the poverty, or any violence. I’m not a big fan of violence; I don’t get Scorcese. “Scarface” has made it glamourous lifestyle model for the gangsta rappers. But, like nudity, if used to advance the plot, it has its place. I can’t imagine “Public Enemy” not having gun violence. Some stories hare going to have scenes that make the audience uncomfortable. Any good art with cause its audience to feel, to react to what they are witnessing. There’s no point to the piece if it doesn’t make you feel.
I am looking forward to Sunday. That’s typically the day when I pick out my new batch of movies for the week. I know I will run out of classics to watch. I may have to broaden the scope a bit. there are only so many classics on the shelf.
I picked up the latest batch of classic movies from the library.
This week, we get suspense, intrigue and mystery. I took out “Laura” with Jean Tierney and Dana Andrews, “The Third Man” with Orson Welles, and another Hitchcock classic “The Man Who Knew Too Much” with Jimmy Stewart and Doris Day.
When we last left our hero, he’d been bound and left to die on the railroad tracks…
Wait, this isn’t that silent film project I started in college. Start again.
Let’s update the personal life, shall we? I believe we left off with the written response to the Dear John letter I was left by The Woman Who Broke My Heart, at the beginning of June. Fast forward six weeks, through pain and uncertainty, and now things are looking pretty good. Time has done a good job healing these wounds. I have been able to contemplate what has happened and have found consolation in knowing that I can return to things I gave up in that relationship. It’s amazing what compromises you make when your heads in the clouds. I gave up so much just because “she didn’t like it”. I almost gave up watching sports because “She didn’t like to”. I will give her this: she would cuddle up to me when I did watch ESPN. I also gave up the pleasure of enjoying a few draws of 420.
I am paying attention to sports again. I have so much to catch up on. All I know is that the Red Sox aren’t in first place. Anything after that is hazy
I have rediscovered my intrest in classic films. This weeks offerings are “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, “Treasure of Sierra Madre” and “How Green Was My Valley”. Both my ex-wife and The Woman Who Broke My Heart enjoyed movies of a lighter nature. I like something with a plot that confounds you, makes you ponder, maybe causes you to talk to the screen. I like character development. I want good acting. If the leading lady is hot (see Elizabeth Taylor in “Cat….”), that’s a bonus.
Another reason to return to the classics is the stuff that Hollywood turns out these days is pathetic. I want an original idea, something that hasn’t been considered. But Hollywood is looking at the profits; will it make money at the boxoffice, ande can we cross promote it with (fill in the blank with soft drink/fast food/website). What we’re getting is either a rehashed plot from an older film, an adaptation of a piece of fiction, or something thrown together to force-feed for popular consumption.
Transformers? No, thank you.
Do I sound bitter? I’m just disappointed.
Where was I? Oh, yeah…my return to the real world.
For the first time in a long while I feel comfortable in my own skin. I have decided that romance can take a place on the back burner. I don’t need to rely on a girlfriend to define my life. I keep thinking back to my post -college days, before I began dating my ex-wife. I moved to Portland in 1985. My first apartment was a railroad effeciency. It was a straight line from the front door, through the kitchen and into the living/bedroom, with a sharp lefthand turn into the bathroom with the clawfoot tub. There was no room for a table in the kitchen and barely enough room for furniture in the bedroom. But it was mine.It was heated, had a sliver of a harbor view, great breezes in summer
and only $235 a month. Remember, this was 1985.
I worked overnights on the radio, slept during the day. I would run my errands in the afternoon and go to bed at 6pm. On the weekend, I hung out with my friends. It was so easy tyo connect with them; they lived at the opposite end of my street. We could walk to all the good restaurants and bars. I could walk to work. But the world was at our fingertips and we wanted it all.
Sometimes we would drive up to Brunswick. Destination: the Miss Brunswick diner for greasy hamburgers and fries. There was a feeling of freedom then, that despite having to scrape by, we still had dreams and ideas. There was so much we wanted to do and see. There was so much to discover and realize, that we didn’t dwell on missing the electric payment, now two months past due. We didn’t think about another dinner of pasta. Life was out there to grab and wrestle into submission. We wanted it and we figured a way to find it. Maybe not then and now, but when we were supposed to find it. But the one thing that was missing was a sense of self. Who was I? What did I want from Life? What did I want to be, as a person? Maybe I was too young to know or didn’t have the tools to serch for the answers. When I told my friend Darren I was single again, he suggested that I make this search a priority. Find out who I am, what makes me tick, to see myself away from the context of a romantic relationship.
So, here we go.
Now, as I find myself living close to my first apartment, remember those halcyon days and preparing for the future by re-establishing myself and slowly putting missing pieces back into place, I find the present is running parallel with the past. This time, it’s the phone bill that’s past due. Did I make sure the child support was transfered into the ex-’s account? Will I be able to endulge in the 5-dollar matinee at the Nickelodeon? In this time and space, I now have the opportunity to investigate new possibilites, try things I never knew were available. I have been blessed with two great kids, concerned friends and church community, pleasures that enhance my life and give me satisfaction. I can have the life I want. I can make the choices. I am the only one who can control my life.
My good friend, Kathy, recently came back into my life. She is married, has a great career, proud of her daughters…and an outspoken fan of this blogger. She was so happy to read these posts. As concerned as she was for my well-being, she was also quick to remind me of how fortunate I am to be blessed with so much. And I am blessed. To you, my friend, thank you for your insight. Keep rattling my cage.
