It has been brought to my attention that I am making slow and steady progress.
Really?
This is a “can’t see the forest for the trees” moment. As much as others believe I’m making progress, I am having a difficult time seeing it. I recognize I am slowly emerging from my “shell”, enjoying lost pleasures now that My Love and I are no longer together. I am enjoying afternoons at the movies, playing rock n roll on the stereo while cleaning my apartment (it’s the music I enjoy, not the cleaning), and other stuff I can’t think of at the moment. But is that progress? Should it take so long to heal? How long will it be before the pain goes away? I am getting to the point where I feel like I’m stuck in a rut, that I’m trying too hard to break free and do something different, but all I do is slip backward.
I am attempting to manage my emotions when I think of My Love. Sometimes successfully, other times not. But she is tough. She has hung on longer than any former girlfriend in my life, in that I cannot shake the thought of her. I don’t want to let go. As much as I want to move forward, I recognize that she has helped me reinvent myself, so to speak. There are unanswered questions. Such as…
WHY? Why couldn’t she talk about her issues with me? We have there for each other all along, why stop there?
WHY? Why could she just walk away? Did she fall out of love with me? Did she not want me in your life?
WHY? Why does it seem so easy for her to walk away?
These questions may never be answered. They may be answered only when the time is right . Here’s another that I need to consider:
WHY? Why have I hung on so long? Why can’t I forget her? Why won’t I let it go and get on with my life?
It’s not because I enjoy feeling this way. It’s not that I am trying to be a martyr, suffering in my self pity. I am not taking pity upon myself, allowing my emotions to get in the way of living my life. At least not outwardly and not as intensely as three months ago. I recognize that the end of my relationship with My Love didn’t end in a conventional manner. The only issue that was familiar was that she broke it off. I have ended up on the short end of all relationships with women.
I guess I’m just lucky, he says with tongue planted firmly in cheek. This time, it was old boyfriends and ex-husbands that did me in.
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November 12, 2009 at 6:16 PM
Marge
is there anything like a singles club where you live?
is there any other social places where you can meet people who have either been in a situation like yours or are able to listen to you?
Do you go to church?
Do you pray?
Would you consider going to church and talking to a minister or priest?
Unless your love is willing to answer the above questions you probably will never know the answers.
I know, it doesn’t help at all.
As I have told you before it is sixteen years since the man I consider to be my soul mate broke up with me and although it isn’t as intense or as painful as what you are going through, it still hurts if I think about it.
Basically his leaving me said to me “You aren’t good enough” and that is a hard thing to take.
Still is hard to take sixteen years later.
I will pray for you
good luck!
November 13, 2009 at 12:18 PM
megawfa79
thank you and I appreciate your concern. I’m gonna check out for awhile. Not sure when I’ll post again.