An open letter to The Woman Who Broke My Heart

 

To the woman who broke my heart:

The sole purpose of this letter is to say the things that I either didn’t have the cohones to say or the things I forgot to say.  I am using this method as a means to have closure.  I didn’t want to rant and rave in front of you, despite the fact you said you deserved to have nasty things said to and about you. But don’t worry about the readers of this blog finding out who you are.  The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Here it is: a month after you left the note on my couch with the toiletries from your bathroom.  What the f**k? You stripped away any shred of evidence that you ever occupied this space.  I know you were only here a couple nights a week, but your hand is all  over my apartment.  You did leave behind the Vettriano print on the bedroom wall, the fleece on the back of the couch, some assorted dishes and food….and  my broken heart.  I was big of you to take responsibility.  The ” it’s not you , it’s me” rationale always makes the breakup easier to take.  I know you were feeling disconnected, but we thought it had to do with your work and added responsibilities. But to leave a Dear John letter rather than face me was hurtful.  So don’t tell me that you didn’t want to hurt me.  The pain is unavoidable.  Did you expect me to shake hands and wish you well?  If we were so in synch and connected, why were you willing to just toss me aside?

The other piece that feels strange is the notion that you wanted to keep those feelings of infatuation alive.  I don’t know a human alive who doesn’t desire to keep those giddy feelings all through the relationship.  After 6 months to a year, it’s inevitable that some settling occurs, that love becomes more deeper as the bond grows stronger.  But why would you end a relationship because the infatuation had worn off?  What did you expect?  What did you want?  You said all along that we had an amazing connection.  We communicated with respect and understanding.  If one of us needed space, we’d give it freely.  Isn’t that what all couples strive for? What happened was that our relationship matured.  I know your previous marriages were lacking in many ways, but you always told me that you finally found what you wanted.  You had it all. 

Or at least you thought you did.

It’s not that I’m throwing up my hands and surrendering.  This matter is out of my hands.  It’s your choice.  It’s  what you couldn’t do or couldn’t give me.  Doesn’t my contributions make any difference to you?  You said I took care of you for the last 7 months.  You said that you wanted to give me the same, but couldn’t.  But I am the only person who could tell you if I was getting what I needed.  Maybe I got complacent, too settled.  If you wanted a spontaneous relationship, you have to ask for it.  I would have gone along willingly.  Who put the Christmas lights above the bed, so that we could make love under the stars?

If this is goodbye, so be it.  In the words of Lou Rawls, you’ll never find another love like mine.